Gypsy Soul

Born to Die by Lana Del Rey from the album Born to Die

”..Keep making me laugh, let’s go get high. The road is long, we carry on, try to have fun in the meantime…”

This was our relationship. Day in and day out, you’d make me laugh, we’d smoke, and we knew what we were doing was wrong, but we tried to have fun. It was routine you’d pick me up and drop me off. I enjoyed most moment of it. I never let you know the real me though, and I think that hurt us in the long run.

“…Choose your last words, this is the last time because you and I, we were born to die…”

I know you’re going to call me again one day soon to “hangout,” and I’ll probably agree. But I’ve told myself I’m only going to allow one more fling with you. The next time I see you will be the last time because a friends with benefits relationship is built to end. None last forever and I’m ending it before I get more hurt than I already am.

Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye from the album Making Mirrors

“…I don’t want to live that way reading into every word you say…”

I hate that I was looking at everything you said and trying to find meaning behind it when there was none. I wanted you to love me. I wanted more than what we had so i searched for it at every moment. That was a mistake.

“…You didn’t have to cut me off, make out like it never happened, and that we were nothing, and I don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough…”

I just don’t understand really. I was under the impression we were going to take the relationship further. Instead you dropped me off one morning and I never heard from you again. I don’t need you or our relationship, it just would have been nice to have some sort of closure. This lyric sums it up perfectly, asshole.

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How To Be Dead by Snow Patrol from the album “Final Straw”

“…Why can’t you shoulder the blame? ‘Cause both my shoulders are heavy from the weight of us both. You’re a big boy now, so let’s not talk about growth. You’ve not heard a single word I have said. Oh my God…”

This lyric is every feeling and conversation I ever had with my father. I don’t think, growing up, he ever admitted anything he did wrong. I wasn’t the perfect child, but his parenting needed improvement too and I was blamed for my mistakes, his mistakes and then some. In the 16 years I lived in his household, and even in the years after I moved out my anxiety was so straining due to excessive stress and pressure from him and his outrageous demands. And trying to talk to him was like a brick wall. He never heard a single word I said. The singers exasperated “Oh My God” is EXACTLY how I felt day in and day out. 

Sugar, We’re Going Down by Fall Out Boy from the album “From Under The Cork Tree”

“…I’m just a notch in your bedpost, but you’re just a line in a song…”

I know this song is forever old and outdated, but FOB will always have a special place in my heart for helping me thru my pre-teen angst when I was in middle school. Plus it’s sometimes fun to listen to music from years ago. I never really thought about this lyric until I listened to this song recently. Sex was never a big deal to me. I suppose there are a number of factors that go into why I think that way, but those are other songs. As a college student living in the dorms, I see plenty of girls crying over a boy they had sex with and never called. My girlfriends don’t understand how it doesn’t affect me when a boy hurts me. What they don’t realize is that it does. I just don’t show it the same way. The way I see it is, sure you fucked me and left, I’m just another girl for your little black book. But guess what, you’re that and then some for me. I’ll write a song about you and what you did to me, and that’s all you’ll ever be from then on to me, a line in a song. I just deal with it internally. I guess it has the tendency to make me come off as indifferent or numb, and maybe I am a little bit.

Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby) by Jack’s Mannequin from the album “The Glass Passenger”

“My friend calls me up with her heart heavy still. She says,‘Andy the doctor prescribed the pills, and I know I’m not crazy. I’ve just lost my will.So why am I taking them still…”

All my life I have struggled with this. I don’t think I’m crazy. I don’t think anything is wrong with me. So why do I keep taking the pills or getting the help? I think it’s because deep down I kind of know somethings not right, and maybe-just maybe- they will change that.

“…Give me something to believe in a breath from the breathing. Write it down. I don’t think that I’ll close my eyes,’cause lately I’m not dreaming so what’s the point in sleeping? It’s just that at night I’ve got nowhere to hide. So I’ll write you a lullaby…”

Insomnia. It’s pretty much been a part of my life since I was 8 years old. And I definitely don’t dream at night when I do sleep. If I can’t escape reality even in sleep, where am I supposed to go? That where my Walking Disaster life comes in I suppose. But Anyway, sleep never came easy, and I sort of gave up, so at night when the world is sleeping, that’s when I write songs about him…

Always Gold by Radical Face from the album “The Family Tree: The Roots”

“…We were opposites at birth [you] were steady as hammer. No one worried ‘cause they knew just where [you’d] be…”

This song makes me think of my sister. She and I are opposites. She is strong and reliable and no one ever stresses about her because she is perfect and she can do it all. And I love her for that

“…And they said [I] was the crooked kind, and that [I’d] never have no worth, but [I] was always gold to [you]…”

And growing up it often felt like my family and others just didn’t see anything for me. They did, I suppose in some ways. They knew I’d be successful in school and work. But I couldn’t help but feel like they didn’t think I could ever have any worth as a person. Like I was never going to be able to be a “normal” person to them. I was defined. But my sister was the one person who saw me. I was always gold to her.

“…but [you’re] fine with where [you are] now. This home is home, and all that [you] need. But for [me], this place is shame…”

Now I’ve moved out and started a new life somewhere else. My sister probably will never leave our hometown because…well, the lyrics say it all really. She’s happy there and has no reason to leave. And as much as she wants me back I think she knows I can’t come because it’s not the same for me. It’s a painful place for me to be.

“…Yeah everything goes away…”

I’m counting on this to be true. All good things go away from my experience, but the bad things should too. That would be beautiful.